deemontzie

I can’t believe that after almost 2 months of having this site be a part of my nearly everyday life, that it’s now been over a month since I’ve come here.

 I don’t have the internet at home and I used to log on at work. So now I come to the library to get online, and I come 2 or 3 times a week, so why has it been so long since I’ve logged on?

I am so ashamed of myself. I wound up getting really depressed about the job situation (still haven’t found another job btw, and I only just now got my first interview this week - it went ok, but I’m not sure if I got the job or not), and I started eating way too much. In less than two weeks, I gained back all the weight, plus some, that I had worked so hard to lose. I just lost control. Then 2 or 3 weeks after being laid off, I slowly started exercising again - I began walking (1 mile roundtrip) to the corner grocery store, but here’s the kicker - I bought Nestle’s pull apart and bake cookies! I’d sneak them in while my husband was working at Starbucks and I’d eat all the cookies in one night. After a week of this I wondered why I had gained weight - I mean, I was walking and sweating out in the hot sun, right?

 I finally put a stop to the cookie binges - but I still wasn’t eating healthy. I started exercising more. I currently weight well over 200 pounds though. I’m so disgusted with myself. Once I let myself get off of my healthy eating plan, I just couldn’t bring myself to get back on it. The bad food tastes SO good! And I thought I could just exercise and still eat tons of junk and lose weight, but that obviously didn’t work.

I’m really upset with myself for abandoning this site, b/c it helped me so much during that month that I did good and lost weight. And the thought of going through all that again and having to eat so good, it just seems impossible. I feel overwhelmed.

Thanks for all the sweet words on my last blog. It has been an emotional day, and I have to admit, I pigged out on some comfort food, which I now regret. BUT, failure is not the falling down, it’s the staying down, and I will pick myself back up. Tomorrow I have a meeting with an employment agency and I feel hopeful. Thanks again everyone. Talk to you tomorrow!

A bunch of us in my accounting department - our jobs have been outsourced. We knew it was coming, but it’s still hard. So now me and my husband are both unemployeed and it’s a scary time. I just applied for unemployment and tomorrow I’m going to start going to employment agencies.

 Hope everyone’s doing well. Have a good Monday!

Hey everyone! I’m feel really optimistic about losing weight. I can see small changes in my body already, and seeing others reach their goal (did everyone see Leida’s amazing before and after pics today? Amazing!) is so inspirational. I’ve got a routine that I like, and things are just going well in that area. :)  Hope ya’ll are all doing good!

My brother’s wedding was yesterday (btw, I’m standing on a step in the pic - we’re not really the same height lol), and I did not do as good food wise as I was hoping for. But to make up for it, I exercised today (I was planning on taking yesterday and today off from exercise). It was a very nice wedding and all, but it’s so weird. I love David so much, but we’re not close anymore. And it was sad to see all those people that are a big part of his life now, and yet I might never see them again - certainly never get to know them. It’s just weird. But I am really happy for him. His bride looked absolutely gorgeous. And they’re going to Six Flags for their honeymoon - wish I could go!

It feels like Saturday to me - it’s gonna be so hard to go back to work tomorrow morning. Just another manic Monday.

My big bro (and only sibling) is getting hitched tomorrow! It’s so weird for me. He always said he would never get married, and he’s not really a romantic sort of guy, so seeing him interact with his fiance is really strange. That’s him in my wedding pic last year.

 I lost another pound this week! I’m trying to just weigh every Friday, but seems like by the time Thursday comes around, i’m dying to know if i’ve lost, so i did weight myself yesterday, and i had lost two pounds, but today i was back up a pound from yesterday. At least it’s still a loss though. And plus I am wearing jeans today, and I was wearing a lightweight sundress yesterday when I weighed. I weigh on a scale we have here at work. My husband has a really old scale at home, but I don’t like to use it - it’s not digital and it’s hard to see exactly what it says I weigh.

I hope everyone has a great, safe, and healthy weekend!!!

What a morning. It has been horrible! Sorry guys, but I’m gonna complain just a bit now.

 I woke up with a bad headache - I think I slept too low on my pillow last night. Anyway, when I have a headache, it just puts me in a bad mood and makes everything annoying. So…my hair is long and takes forever to dry (about 12 minutes with the blow dryer). And with my head hurting, I gave up after about 3 or 4 minutes and put my wet hair in a ponytail. Then the outfit I wanted to wear wasn’t fitting right, and that made the morning worse b/c it made me feel really fat and annoyed with my body.

A few months ago I was forced to buy some larger jeans b/c none of my pants were fitting anymore. I had been wearing a size 12, but I went and bought me some jeans in 14 and 16. I bought the 16s b/c I figured I’d been gaining weight, so I better go on and buy them in case I keep gaining. The fact that I could just do something like that so nonchalantly is crazy. I mean, that shoulda been the time when I said, I am NOT buying a size 16! I am going to lose this weight! But I didn’t, and now the 16s fit good and the 14s are a little too tight. 

I changed clothes about 5 times this morning, and I was so frustrated and upset that I started crying to my husband about how much I don’t want to deal with anything - work, clothes, my body, my hair, NOTHING! Poor guy - he didn’t know what to do.

The whole morning, I just felt like a fat, ugly klutz. And the throbbing pain in my head didn’t help. I took some meds when I got to work, but it still hurts.

Oh, and it’s someone’s birthday at the office today, so there’s a big cookie cake (I had a small bite), and we’re going to Longhorn’s for lunch. More temptations, but I feel like I’ll come through it ok. And I’m sure my headache will go away, and after I lose a few pounds, my self image will start to improve, and my clothes will fit better, and I will no longer want to disappear.  I just wish it wouldn’t take so long!

I don’t know what’s going on, but I get so bloated every afternoon. Especially during the week when I’m really sticking to my healthy eating schedule. I’ve heard to always eat fruit on an empty stomach, which I do, so I don’t think it’s that. Does anyone else have this problem?

So…I took my Little Sister out for the first time this weekend! We had fun, but she’s really quiet, so it took a lot to get her to talk. She seemed to have a good time though. We’re going out again in two weeks to Ruffner Mt Park. The great outdoors

We had Backyard Burgers for dinner, and it was the first time I’ve had fast food in weeks. Maybe a month. I can’t remember. Anyway, I was gonna let that be my one cheat meal of the week, so I got a double cheeseburger, fries, and Pepsi. Oh my gosh, was that a mistake. I hadn’t even finished half my meal when my stomach started feeling bad. And it slowly got worse. I don’t think I’ve ever had such bad bloating/gas/stomach pain. WOW! The only reason I can think for such a strange reaction is that my body has grown accustomed to healthier food than that, and it was just too much for me. The pain and bloating lasted all night Saturday, and all day Sunday. I finally had to take an enema (sorry to gross you out) to relieve myself, b/c I guess all that beef and grease backed me up. I don’t know the true reason for it, but after such a horrible experience, I feel like I never EVER want to eat fast food, EVER again.

Today was my official weigh in day. I lost one pound! I’m not disappointed that it wasn’t more, b/c I DID totally screw up my diet last weekend. I HAVE GOT to do better this weekend. But I’ve done good since Monday, and, probably no one else notices anything, but I notice that my stomach looks a little flatter, and my jeans are fitting a little better. Well, my fat jeans that is. Most of my clothes are way too small, but soon, they’ll fit too.

One thing I’m pround of myself for doing is going on a 30 min walk during work with a coworker. The only problem is that we don’t go as fast as I’d like. She’s just over 4′10″ and I’m just under 5′10″, so her strides aren’t nearly as long as mine LOL. But something is better than nothing, right?

So some of ya’ll know that my boss brings breakfast every Friday. Guess what she brought today? Donuts! But the weird thing is that I’m not nearly as tempted by them as I was last week. Oh, and the birthday cake that I gorged myself with last weekend? My husband finally finished it last night, but most nights this week, I ate just a tiny bit - literally one bite - and it has been wonderful. It’s so good, but this way of eating it is actually more rewarding than mindlessly stuffing it down my throat - I really get to TASTE it. I enjoy it so much, and the chocolatey/caramely taste stays on my palate for a while, and it’s really nice. What a change!!!

I’m really looking forward to this weekend. I signed up with BigBrothersBigSisters a few months ago, and they found a match for me! I met her last week, and tomorrow we’re going on our first outing. BBBS has a lot of expectations from the Bigs, so I’m nervous about possibly saying something wrong, but I think we’ll have fun. BBBS says that for the first few outings, they like you to do something where you have more privacy to talk and get to know each other, as opposed to shopping or bowling or some activity that may be distracting. So, I think we’ll fix dinner together at my apartment, maybe take a walk through my neighborhood - it’s in a really pretty area; old historic district - BUT they say it may be raining tomorrow night. I was also thinking we could play DDR at my apartment, but I don’t know really. Anyone have any suggestions?